How to Make New Habits Stick (When You've Always Failed Before)

You’ve successfully made a few real, lasting changes in your life—you're exercising, sleeping better, and holding better boundaries. A friend, frustrated with their own stalled progress, asks you: "How did you actually make those changes stick?"

What do you say? Your answer reveals whether you've just been lucky, or whether you've built a system.

The Common (and Flawed) Approaches

1. The "Willpower" Answer (Reactive Thinking)
"You just have to want it badly enough and commit. That's what finally worked for me".

• Why it fails: This is the worst kind of advice. It’s not transferable and it's probably not even true. It implies your friend is failing because they "don't want it badly enough," which is both unhelpful and demoralizing.

2. The "Specific Tactic" (Deliberate Thinking)
"Here's exactly what I did for exercise... I wake up at 5:30 AM, I drink 16oz of water, I do 20 minutes of HIIT...".

• Why it fails: You're giving them your specific tactic. Your 5:30 AM routine is useless to a single parent with a newborn or a shift worker. You're confusing the tactic with the system.

3. The "Detailed List" (Structured Thinking)
"Let me walk you through all three changes and the specific tactics I used for each one...".

• Why it fails (subtly): This is a data dump. You're giving your friend a pile of unrelated specifics (a sleep mask, a workout app, a script for saying "no") and hoping they can find the connection. You've missed the golden opportunity to find the pattern yourself.

A Better Way: The Systematic Approach

The systematic move here is Pattern Extraction. Your friend doesn't need your tactics; they need the reusable architecture you unconsciously discovered that made all three changes successful.

Instead of listing specifics, you must analyze your successes to find the common framework.

Step 1: Lay Out Your Successes

• Success 1: Started exercising consistently.
• Success 2: Improved sleep quality.
• Success 3: Reduced stress with better boundaries.

Step 2: Find the Common, Abstract Pattern
Look past the surface details. What was the system?

• How did I start? "I didn't try to run a marathon. I started with 5 minutes of stretching." (Pattern: Start Micro-Small)
• How did I remember? "I did my 5 minutes of stretching right after I brewed my coffee." (Pattern: Attach to Existing Habit)
• How did I stay consistent? "I laid my workout clothes out the night before." (Pattern: Remove Friction)
• How did I measure success? "I tracked 'Did I do it?' not 'Did I lose weight?'" (Pattern: Track Process, Not Outcome)

Step 3: Articulate the Reusable Pattern
You've just extracted your "Sustainable Habit Formation Pattern". You can now give your friend a powerful, universal tool. You can say: "The secret wasn't the workout. It was the system I used, which worked for all three changes. It's four steps: Start micro-small, attach it to a habit you already have, remove all friction, and track your process, not your results."

The "Aha!" Insight

Don't just share your specific tactics; share your system. When you successfully change any part of your life, you've likely discovered a reusable pattern. Extract that pattern. It's the most valuable asset you've earned from the experience.

Your Next Move

This scenario is just one of 12 from the Systematic Thinking Scorecard.

The ability to extract patterns is one of the four key moves of a systematic thinker. To see how you score on this and the other three capabilities, download the free scorecard. It’s a 5-minute diagnostic to find your starting point for a major upgrade.